Friday, 30 November 2012

Mes copines.

In the ten years previous to this evening, I have managed to convince four women to have the honour of being my girlfriend. These four women have shaped me into the man which stands here today writing this (I'm actually sitting) and have conjured up my views on females. Woman are deceitful, evil, bitchy and want one thing - everything. They have used these aspects to ultimately destroy me in the past and I presume I'll have a moment of weakness when one will again in the future. Some of this pain I have truly deserved, some I haven't, either way, it's upset and broken me. Have you ever read 'High Fidelity' by Nick Hornby? It's about a break up from a male point of view and I can relate to so much of it, it's actually terrifying, the way I think I'm always the victim (I mostly am) and how nasty women can be to get what they want. Break ups are the worst thing in the world, they take me to a state of deliriousness, I have no idea where I am or what to do with myself.
Let's begin the list of these women who have been held in such high regard by yours truly.

I'll call her that because that's where I met her. I met her at a concert nearly ten years ago. She was typically gorgeous, beautiful long blonde hair, deep blue eyes I could stare in all day and the figure of a Playboy model, she was seventeen, she should have a good figure. If you don't have a good figure at that age, you're screwed. I instantly fell for her, I never felt love before. It was wonderful, I totally immersed myself into her life and I loved every second. She was a straightforward girl, doing her A Levels, impatiently waiting for University and being successful. I was working full time in sales not looking straightforward, I was interested in having a good time, I was playing the rock and roll star, I wasn't in a band but people would think I was. I had it all, I had a look and a way of life, I worked so I had money to enjoy myself, I was the total opposite of her. I look back now and I don't know why I went for her but love makes you do stupid things. She hated the way I was, the way I looked, the friends I had (they were mostly dickheads) and the direction my life was heading which was nowhere. She would beg me to change my look and how I lived my life, she would go on and on saying things like "When people see me, they expect me to be seen with a smart, shaven, well-dressed man not someone like you." which of course is such a horrible thing to hear but I stuck to my guns, I refused to change for a long time.
She worked in a bar in central Plymouth, some kind of mix between Wetherspoons and a happening place, I'd spend Friday and Saturday nights there with her friends who probably felt like they were keeping me warm. She would flirt with men in front of me, rugby players, marines, all muscles and no brains, the kind of men women don't say they want but actually do. There was this one who would always be there, always trying to flirt with her; she'd tell me about it saying she always turned him on. I was convinced she was cheating on me with him and you know what, she probably was but at the time I trusted her.
After a year of us being together, I shaped up and smartened up. I cut my hair, got a sensible dress sense, I was still rock and roll but on a more organised level where these people that thought the world of her (still don't know who these so called folk are) could approve of me. I seriously don't know why she went out with me, we lived ages apart, barely spend any time together, we had sex about five times ever but there must have been something about me that appealed to her.
It turned out that she had been cheating on me, with a guy who was pretty much the spitting image of me but went to college with her. She told me after I came back from a family holiday. I couldn't wait to see her, I hadn't seen her for a month, the first thing I did was go and see her but within an hour of seeing her, she had devastated me. How could she do that? I did everything for that girl, I smartened up, I put up with her ex-boyfriend camping with us at a festival and crying to me about how much he loved her, I would put up with that bar, watching these airheads trying to fuck her size 8 body (they probably were, no wonder we didn't have much sex) and her mother belittling me at every opportunity she could, staying at that house was so uncomfortable. This crushed me, I didn't see how I could survive, my whole world collapsed. This girl was who I was going to spend the rest of my life with but now that was snatched away from me and in doing that, she'd betrayed my trust and made me look like an idiot in front of everyone. This girl was my first love and she destroyed the image of happily ever after for me, if I had never started that ludicrous relationship, then maybe I would've treated women better for years afterwards. Women, you can have this for free, if a man has treated you like you're worthless, it's because a girl he adored destroyed him. You all want your fairytale romance but there is a man in it also, they also want the happy ending.

After the devastating news that Plymouth lumped on me without asking, I went to see a friend. She was the opposite, petite thing, long dark hair, tiny, pocket sized, small chested, timid and into her rock and roll. When I was returning the day after I was humiliated in the worst way possible, I decided I had to see someone, that someone was Rebound. I went to her house, smoked a lot of cheap hash that you can't find around these days and tell her about the previous night.
After a month or so of us spending time together, we grew attached romantically and started a relationship. She was easy going and laid back, she didn't expect me to impress every single person we ever came across, she didn't have dick heads trying to fuck her left, right and centre, she was a sensible, intelligent girl who enjoyed getting stoned, watching movies and snuggling - perfect. At that time and age, that's all I ever wanted from a girl and I was a very happy man - for a while.
One night, I get a text message from a girl I'd never met. The message was saying how gorgeous I was and how she wanted me. Strange really seeing as I have no idea how she got my number or how she knew who the hell I was. I text back saying I wasn’t interested; I wasn't going to do to Rebound what Plymouth had done to me. The girl would text me every day saying things such as "I just walked past you, you're looking fit x" and so forth. She kept asking to meet and I kept saying no until the day I gave in. I agreed to meet her after work, just for half hour so I could tell her thanks but no thanks. It turned out that this girl was a bit of a looker, she was punky and raw, I was instantly attracted, what was I going to do? I fancied the arse off her but I had a girlfriend and I was happy. We carried on texting each other and eventually, we kissed. I felt so guilty and I couldn't stop thinking about what a bad person I was being.
While this was happening, I went to this rock club, it was the first time I'd been in a club without a partner on my arm. I was surprised; I got so much female attention and met so many people who were into the same bands, movies, TV shows and fashion as me. I wanted to take these women in the toilets and fuck every single one of them. This is it isn't it, when you're stoned, comfy, watching a good film, your girlfriend is everything you need but when you're drunk and in a club, you want every woman you lay your eyes on, you want the craziest and raunchiest night possible. I had to break up with my girlfriend; I had to break her heart. It was the most horrible thing, I watched her face as her heart sunk, she asked me to leave and I did. I was relieved because I was now single and I could enjoy a new social life, one where she didn't fit and where I had new opportunities to make friends and make girls want to fuck me. I met up with the stalker and fucked her, she turned out to have a boyfriend and be in a bit of a situation so I ran from that but that didn't stop me. I fucked my friends girlfriend behind his back, he found out and he wants to kill me still, not just for that (I'll explain later) but still, that didn't stop me, I fucked another friends ex but she was gorgeous so it had to be done, I was the envy of our friendship group, still get people talking to me about that one. I also fell for another girl who I never thought wanted me (I'll tell you about that situation another time) and fucked anyone else that I could.
While this was happening, Rebound was getting close to my best friend. How could they be doing this? My ex and my best friend?! What arseholes, did they not realise I'd be mad? I had to stop it, anyway possible. We were all having a smoke and everyone left, it was just me and rebound. I seduced her, while my friend was probably relishing the prospect of having a nice girlfriend awaiting him, I was fucking her. What a bastard I am eh? I stopped that relationship ever happening. We started fucking, in secret of course, I didn't want people to know that I destroyed their chance of happiness. I didn't want her back, I was happy, I was fucking her and I was still sleeping around.
She got her own back though, and good for her, she got me good and proper. In this time, she had decided to come clubbing with me, I would still pull girls in front of her, I didn't care what she thought, I was being a typical male, something I never saw myself becoming two years previous. She was a pretty thing and attracted men but turned them down because she loved me and I didn't give a fuck, not one bit. Then she got with one of them in front of me and I kicked off. I started on him, I started on my friends, I screamed and shouted at them in the street, I cried, I basically threw my toys out the pram, then threw the pram, then myself. I embarrassed myself on such a public level, I still see some of these people to this day and obviously they remember it, it's awful. I was such an idiot, I had no right to kick off, I had been a total arsehole and she was very much in her right to do this. They must've felt so good when they got together, I fucking hated it. From that moment, I was crushed once again and my luck with women went downhill, probably because people spoke and what happened that fateful evening went down in 2005 history. The woman who I was taking the piss out of got the better of me.

After Rebound got the better of me, I decided that I had obviously fucked up my existence around these parts. I moved away a few months later. I had a couple of friends in a big city and I took a chance. I loved it, I had a decent job, I made lots of new friends, had a nice flat and my chances of meeting desirable women greatly increased. I was finding women all over the place, proper, attractive women who I would've showed off on my mantlepiece as trophies (OK most of them, there's always a couple of girls you wouldn't have even muttered a word to if you weren't wankered) but somehow, one of them got me in a relationship, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! I was having a great time! I was seeing some hairdresser who was totally drop dead gorgeous, her only problem was she wouldn't have sex with me yet (obviously she has respect for herself) and I was also fucking this girl who was having a shit time with her boyfriend (I even bumped into her out one night when she was with him, awkward really, I had come in his girlfriend the day before) but that all had to end, I got myself a girlfriend. She was sweet enough, good figure, massive stoner, student, a bit posh (loaded parents) and had a nice flat. We had three months together, the first few weeks were ok, she bought me a great Christmas present and she would fuck me all night.
 Disaster soon struck. I ended up with a £700 council tax bill! I couldn't afford that, my flat cost loads so she offered me to move in. I did, and that's where it went wrong. I leave my laptop on 24/7, I'm always downloading something or other, I'd leave it there while she was at home. I had a phone call off her in the middle of the working day, she was furious! She claimed that I was having an affair with a girl, we filmed us having sex then the girl sent it to her. There is a video but there was no affair and the girl didn't have it. Nutcase obviously looked through my laptop and found it. Silly of me to keep it but it's my laptop, she shouldn't be looking through it. From then on, all I got was grief. I was leaving the house for work, she thought I was cheating on her. I'd see friends, she'd kick off, scream and cry so I wouldn't go and ended up cutting off my friends. She stopped me going to a gig/DJ set by a popular Indie band because she was convinced I was shagging the lesbian friend I was going with, I didn't go to the gig. By this point I was ready to end my life let alone the relationship. I'd sit outside her flat for an hour after work, ringing people up because I couldn't deal with going inside and seeing what mental nonsense she had conjured up that day. After various other mental episodes (ask if you want to know more, don't want to give too much away) I had decided to escape but where? I had no cash and I was living with this mental bitch. I decided to move back here, I would be away from her and that's all I could think about, away from her. I didn't care about my job, since she started going crazy, my work performance had got worse and worse.
One evening while she was at work, I spoke to an old friend for a long time online about coming back home and all the mental happenings in my life. They found it hilarious (I tell this story to many people, they all love it) and said I had to escape. I left my laptop on and went to bed. At 3am, Nutcase woke me up kicking and screaming. She had obviously read my conversation and didn't like it, not surprised. She threw a pregnancy text box at me! "I'm pregnant with your child!" SHIT. I got no sleep that night, she slept fine. I worked the next day, well, I say I worked, I sat out the back smoking, drinking tea and trying to work out what the hell I was going to do, I didn't want to be a Dad, I still don't want to be a Dad, I couldn't have this child. After work, we met in a bar. It was a Saturday evening; bars were getting busier by the second. We sat at a table where she cried hysterically, everyone in the bar gave me a look of utter contempt; they must've thought I was the biggest arsehole ever. I was strong though, I said we had to get rid of it, she refused. I said it wasn't possible for us to bring it up and she agreed but said I had to sort the abortion which I was fine with. She then said "I want to go private, it's going to cost £1000." I suggested NHS which she said cost £750! IS SHE HAVING A LAUGH?! The NHS is free last time I checked! She was lying! She was putting me through this fake pregnancy just to keep me! I told her to go to the local hospital, it would be free, she declined. I left the bar and went home. I carried on living with her for a couple more weeks, she'd comment on how big her stomach was getting (she would've been 10 weeks pregnant) and how she had terrible morning sickness. In the end she kicked me out and I stayed on a friends sofa for a month. I managed to get my stuff and I moved back home. This isn't every single detail, times like our anniversary and meeting my Aunt for dinner really means I'm shagging 'some tart' have been kept out because, well, I don't want you knowing everything now do I?
Unlike the first two girlfriends, I never loved this girl, I was never rejected by this girl. However, this girl was a total nutcase. I found out through a friends girlfriend who knew her ex that she is known for being a headcase and the day she had the 'abortion' she went out on the lash. Love does funny things to people doesn't it? If anyone ever says girls are straightforward, I'll always refer them to this girl. Last I heard she was married, the poor groom, I wonder if she threw that pregnancy test box at him and her believed her? I don't think I want to know.

The 'One'
After living back home for a few months, I got back into the old routine. I found a job in a popular high street chain, I got new friends, I'd picked up some casual bad habits and I had found a new place to go on a Friday night; this is where I met The 'One.'
I remember it like it was yesterday but it was over five years ago. I was sitting down after dancing to something or other when I noticed this girl, short, straight fringe, long hair, busty, polkadot dress and the cutest smile ever. She wouldn't have been classed as gorgeous but she was sexy, she had her look and style perfectly done, she looked incredible, proper Indie princess. She came and sat next to me, if she sat near me intentionally I don't know but she did and I spoke to her. She was smiling and liked the attention but didn't say much. We ended up having a drink, a dance and some kisses. Then her ex-boyfriend enters, pushes me aside and takes her off for a chat. Turns out it's someone I know, I slept with his girlfriend a few years back after splitting with Rebound, remember that bit? At the end of the night, my friend and I bump into her and her friend, we try to get them back for a party but they refuse. I get her number and we start texting. I invite her to do something but she declines, turned out she was seeing someone, some airhead prick and that they made plans. The night comes round and she calls me, she gets stood up and she asks if my offer is still on the table. I make her feel silly but I meet her and we stay up until 3am, talking, we don't even kiss. Over the next few weeks we meet more and more, we go for walks, we go to the cinema, we go to the beach, we have a great summer. After a month, we spend our first night together and I couldn't be happier. I go away for a week to a festival with friends. One last party week before I get together properly with the one. I got with many girls and slept with one (in a tent, just for old times sake) which wasn't the best thing to do but I was at a festival, she was gorgeous and I was wasted having the time of my life! When I returned, I and The 'One' became official. I was a happy man but she had something nagging her, she asked if I slept with anyone at the festival. Now, a bit of advice. This girl had no way of knowing who my girlfriend was, if I had kept my mouth shut, I would've had a little guilt but nothing I couldn't handle, The 'One' would've been none the wiser and even though technically, I hadn't done anything wrong, I wouldn't have hurt her. I did the honest thing and told her - big mistake. All the way through our two year relationship, she never fully trusted me and it could've been easily prevented so many times, bad times to be an honest person.
Never the less, we had a great time, the first year was how a relationship should be, we went on holiday, we had little adventures, we'd go out, have a good time and we were incredible together, nothing could break us up, we were perfect. Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever and we had our downfall. She was traditional, she wanted to be a wife, she wanted to get married in a church, live in a cottage in this rural county and have seven children. These things are the last things I wanted, I'm scared of divorce, I hate rural England and children are ok, just don't want my own. This wasn't too much of an issue then but I can see now that we ultimately want different things.
Back in these days, Facebook was primitive; MySpace was the social network site. I had someone on my friends list who I had a lot in common with. She was a petite blond girl who was going out with this guy I knew, always hated him. We got on well, we'd text and message about our interests, I never told my girlfriend as 1, I didn't think it would do us any good and 2, It's none of her business what we spoke about, my girlfriend had guy friends, I was surprisingly calm about it. One day however, this girl text me naked pictures of herself. I was shocked! She had a boyfriend, I had my lovely wonderful girlfriend, why was this happening? I didn't respond but The 'One' found these pictures and screamed the place down, so she bloody should. I wasn't cheating but I had done something to get this girl interested in me enough to send me very explicit photos (if you're wondering, this girl is a total sweetheart, I still speak to her regularly and I'd love to have her in my life) which wasn't helpful to The 'One' trusting me.
At this time, I also had a bromance. The 'One' hated this. He's quite the unsocial character, very stubborn, basically, a miserable twat who lacked basic social skills, he couldn't do anything for himself. I dragged him through his social life, my girlfriend would question why I would hang out with this man and I would defend him to the high heaven. I wish I didn't but that's how I felt, he was my friend and I wanted him to be happy.
After a year or so of us being together, we move in together. She hated it, she lived in my neck of the woods, far from her friends, her job and her family. I didn't make matters easier that by this time we were barely doing anything together which she constantly nagged me about. She was right though, I wasn't bothered, it was a classic case of taking someone for granted, I just wanted to see my friends. Soon enough me and my friend fall out big time, him being the stubborn bastard won't budge and I make all the effort to mend our rift. The 'One' must've decided by then that enough was enough.
Soon afterwards she comes home from work, gives me a letter saying she's fallen out of love with me and that she's moving out. I take it like a man, stand there, no begging, no crying and I let her walk out. I miss her but I deal with it, I cope. I get on with my days. I text her a couple of weeks later asking to meet, she declines; I get drunk one evening, I ring her to ask to meet, she declines. What is going on? I thought she would've missed me? About a month after we broke up, she texts me saying she's started seeing someone else. This crushes me. Just because I acted like I was OK, it didn't mean I wasn't. I was totally devastated by this news, she was my girl, she was The 'One.' Someone asked us if we ended up together, would you be happy with that being your life and we both agreed we would be happy, hence why she's The 'One' clever eh?
Turns out she started speaking to that meathead nutjob that had stood her up the night we had our first date. She said such horrible things about him, people he'd beaten up, his thought process, his family life and the way he treated people. Why would she rather be with him than me? I'm lovely and he's a prick. I rang her up asking this, she made me feel an inch tall "He buys me flowers all the time, takes me out for dinner, he works with my Dad, blah blah blah." Basically how everyone is when they start a relationship. I couldn't get my head around it, why him? Why? I sent her flowers to say sorry and she rung me up screaming saying she's had to stop him hunting me down and beating the shit out of me. Disgusting eh? Fair enough, I probably shouldn't have sent them but it doesn't mean he has to be a prick. She changes her phone number, blocks me on Facebook and asks me never to contact her again; she's found someone else and doesn't want anything to do with me. This makes me feel worthless and totally unloved. I feel like I was the stopgap between their happiness. I question my masculinity, I'm convinced that I couldn't ever make another woman happy because I wasn't some meathead, rugby player, marine, felt like being a regular guy didn't cut it and that all girls want the opposite of me. Sure I have comedy value, I'm fun, I read, I'm intelligent (I'm no Stephen Fry but I can hold my own) and I feel I'm a much more worthwhile human being than this idiot but still, the woman I love doesn't want this, she wants some meathead bully and there's nothing I can do about it, I had to get over it. It was hard, so hard. I couldn't concentrate at work, I'd break down. My employers were very worried; I was close to losing my job. I decided I had to man up and think positive.
A few months pass and I start to feel happier. I make new friends, I meet new girls (one who knows this man and she says he's a total arsehole, I'm sure everyone hates him), I go out clubbing more, I change my style, I go on holiday with a friend and I move out. I move into the party house with friends and I'm loving my life but then out of the blue, The 'One' turns up. She wants to apologize for the way she treated me when we broke up. I told her how small and pathetic she made me feel. She apologizes again but I dismiss it and tell her to leave me alone.
A few days later, I'm walking home and someone beeps their horn at me, I turn round and there she is, in her car, looking like she always does. I nearly cry there and then, it hurts seeing her smile in my direction. I just turn away. I get home and confide in my friend about what happened when she messages me apologizing. I ask the stupidest thing in the world, I ask to see her. She says she'll think about it but I insist, I tell her when I'm free but that's the last I hear from her.
A few days later, I'm in bed, mid-morning with the girl I'm seeing, the door goes and guess who? It's The 'One' standing there. I couldn't believe it, she turned up, I wasn't prepared to deal with this, I wasn't actually expecting to see her. Our history, the whole damn lot comes flooding back to me and I shed a tear. The first thing she says is "Don't cry." So I shed another tear, man up, grab her and take her to the kitchen and sit her down. She says sorry for the way she treated me after the break-up, I give her the usual back, how could she do that to me, she made me feel pathetic etc and she takes it. We end up having a great conversation after managing to sneak the girl I was currently seeing out of the house without knowing my ex-girlfriend was drinking tea in the kitchen. After an hour or so she has to go to a meeting at work, I ask her to come back afterwards and she turns it down, however she does tell me to throw away the letter she gave me when we broke up, she says "It's not relevant anymore." So after she goes, I burn it, have a spliff and dwell on my morning. The afternoon arrives and she comes back. We relax properly in my bedroom, we discuss our families and friends, general post relationship life and our history. We end up kissing a lot and declaring we miss each other. She leaves and I feel like it's back on, she still had feelings for me and I could win her back, I had to play it right though, this was going to be quite a challenge and it took a lot of energy and life out of me.
We'd meet up in private, we'd kiss, we'd discuss old times, we'd flirt, we'd say we miss each other, I'd discuss who I was sleeping with to make her jealous and she would moan about him constantly but NEVER suggests she's was going to dump him. Basically, she would lead me on. I used to send her letters, saying how wonderful our secret moments were together, she'd text me saying how special I made her feel, texts about running away, sharing a bed, being together but not once does she suggest breaking up with him.
About a year after this madness began, I'm out with a girl I was seeing at the time (I'm still so sorry about this) and guess who I see? Yep, The 'One' and the arsehole. Apparently I start talking to him pretending not to know who his girlfriend is, acting like an idiot. He twigs who I am and I have to leg it. I bump into a friend and tell her about the last year, how we've been meeting up in secret etc. My friend is shocked but I'm just relieved that I let it all out to someone other than my housemate who I only told for strategic sneaking in the house purposes. My sister finds me in this drunken mess and my friend tells my sister everything. My sister wants to go at The 'One' but she's off trying to calm knobhead down and nowhere to be seen. My friend and sister find the girl I was seeing and we walk home. In this walk I have a massive argument with this girl, we both cry, I snatch her phone away (can't remember why) and make her feel worthless. I wake up the next day alone, tear soaked pillow and an angry message from The 'One'.
"I was up until 4am trying to calm him down. Don't talk to me ever again."
I had to accept that we were never getting back together. The pain of the breakup returned, she had lead me on, for a year, a whole year. I was OK when she was nowhere near my life but as soon as the lines of communication were open, there was drama because I wanted her, at least for another night, if not, then forever. She was the best person I ever had a relationship with and it had come to this mess.
I bumped into her a couple of months later where I apologized for my actions that night. She told me that I ruined any chance of us being happy and that I'd made life very difficult for her, funny really, she'd made life very difficult for me and she didn't seem that bothered. We parted and that was the last time we spoke face to face. A while later, I asked her to block me on Facebook so I could never contact her again and she did. The last time I heard from her was September 2011, she was switching jobs so she asked never to pop by her old workplace, never send anything there or go near it, I replied back to her agreeing but that was the last time we spoke.
I recently started a new Facebook account because I was fed up of the old one, I got curious and I looked at her profile, didn't feel as bad as I thought it would but still, she seems happy if you go by her profile picture, she's still with him but that's all I know. I want to block her again but I kind of hope she will find me and reminisce about old times when she finds me. I'm a much stronger person now, a lot has changed since the summer of 2009, I have direction and a goal and I'm heading swiftly towards them, I want her to feel at least a tiny bit of regret but not to contact me, I don't ever want to fall back into that cycle ever again. I'm over her, I want different things to her, I wouldn't want to end up with her, I don't want seven kids for a start and she's probably a much different person these days. Shame really, she was wonderful, I thought she was at least. I want her to end up having a miserable time with him and me to have the last laugh, one day, I surely will and I want her to see it, for real.

So there you have it. The four girlfriends I've had. An exhausting read for you but an emotional night of blogging for me, I'm not too keen to go through that again. I still have no idea if I want a relationship or not, if any of these women were the love of my life or if any of them were suitable in the long run. What I do know is that they were all life experiences and in many ways, I benefitted going through them but if I had the option to go through it again, the good times and the bad times, I'd have to decline. Maybe happily ever after isn't for me.

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