Sunday, 24 March 2013

Down and Out

It's been a few weeks or so since I last blogged. To be honest, nothing much has changed, I'm still finding women online which send me nude photos and the Instagram girlie has came back, again. I haven't met up with her again, she wants to which I'm totally fine with, I presume she just wants to use me for my cuddling and sex skills which is fine by me. If anything else happens on that front, I'll let you know.
I've been thinking a lot recently about the whole love thing. It seems like everyone is obsessed with getting married and having children which I really don't want or can see me doing but even so, people laugh at me, ridicule me because I don't want a family. I cannot stand family life, my family for example, they're not bad people, they're not criminals, they've always been amazing to me and I thank them so much for that but as for family events, I can't do them. I feel totally uncomfortable around the people that I should feel the most comfortable around, I don't like to say anything, or for them to share any stories of my past to other members, I dislike the whole idea of having to be together as a unit. I feel that I'm completely different on many aspects which I feel strongly about. I know they hate me for this and it obviously hurts them that I feel uncomfortable around them but if I'm not happy then I'll show I'm not happy, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm not changing that because some people don't like it.
I have a strong feeling that the reason I can't make it with a woman is to do with my views on family life. I think that not wanting a large family is going to be my downfall, all women seem all they want is to get married, have kids and spend a mans money which as you know I hate with a passion. I would take a life partner, marriage MIGHT be on the cards, depending on my feelings at the time but a large family, with kids running about, no! Can't happen, I couldn't do it. What if my child ends up like me, someone that can't even attend their own birthday dinner thrown by their loving family because they feel uncomfortable? I wouldn't want my children to be how I was, I'd like them to love their family.
I have two siblings, who are both in happy, long term relationships and my parents have been together for forty years. One works for the family business (which I tried and failed due to clashing of personalities) and the other one does well in his career (well, it's my parents who sort it, he's their bitch but of course, that's not how everyone sees it) and is loved by my parents. I on the other hand is a student/full time retail assistant who is back at home saving with no social life or girlfriend. Yes, it's not like I'm a shining light for them so I feel like I'm there to be pitied. Family parties basically consist of my parents hanging on their words while I sit there playing on my phone, it really is a fucking drag.
I want something more from my life, I want to earn my love and respect, not be given it due to the fact they're related to me. I aspire to break away from my family unit and have my own life, away from the tedious conversations, awful choices from my siblings of partners and awkward birthday parties.
I had a dream last night about The One. I was at a friends BBQ and she turned up. We argued at each other for five minutes then seconds later we were in a taxi back to mine, she stayed the night and then we had breakfast together. It was quite nice but obviously this is becoming a joke now. She was my last girlfriend, it ended nearly four years ago. People say I'm too picky and that I need to sort it out and normally I would ignore them but nowadays, I'm starting to think they're right. Four years is a very long time to be single, in that time however, the choices for potential girlfriend have been extremely limited. Why would I spend my time with someone who annoys me? Pretty much everyone annoys me to be honest, I don't really like anyone. For some reason, The One didn't really annoy me, there were little things but nothing major, nothing anywhere near major. I think that maybe, I've created my own downfall, maybe I think everyone annoys me because I look for something about them to annoy me. I can't see myself being happy with anyone, I'd have no clue where to start or how to maintain a relationship. I went for lunch today with the family (hence a lot of this blog based around the subject) and there was this waitress there, early 20s, tall, good figure, busty, blonde, interesting face, kinda things I go for (except blonde) and I thought about dating her but how the hell could I impress her or make her fall in love with me?! This relationship malarkey is much harder than people think, people just think you meet and you fall in love, that doesn't seem to happen to me. I meet people, have to convince them I'm not an idiot and by that time they've done something to piss me off and I don't want to see them. It's a circle of destruction which I have created for myself.
I'm planning on running away. I have nothing to keep me here, living in a small town is fucking boring and I suggest if you live in some backward, conservative, frightened, inbred town where the locals look like they're potential guests on Jeremy Kyle, then I urge you to get out and do something with your life. I have my plan, it's getting sorted, a few months from now, I should be laughing. I really hope I am because I can't stand being in this depressing state anymore, I want a new life away from this, I want the chance to find new people, I have to leave, there will be no regrets except not leaving sooner.

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