Down and Out

It's been a few weeks or so since I last blogged. To be honest, nothing much has changed, I'm still finding women online which send me nude photos and the Instagram girlie has came back, again. I haven't met up with her again, she wants to which I'm totally fine with, I presume she just wants to use me for my cuddling and sex skills which is fine by me. If anything else happens on that front, I'll let you know.
I've been thinking a lot recently about the whole love thing. It seems like everyone is obsessed with getting married and having children which I really don't want or can see me doing but even so, people laugh at me, ridicule me because I don't want a family. I cannot stand family life, my family for example, they're not bad people, they're not criminals, they've always been amazing to me and I thank them so much for that but as for family events, I can't do them. I feel totally uncomfortable around the people that I should feel the most comfortable around, I don't like to say anything, or for them to share any stories of my past to other members, I dislike the whole idea of having to be together as a unit. I feel that I'm completely different on many aspects which I feel strongly about. I know they hate me for this and it obviously hurts them that I feel uncomfortable around them but if I'm not happy then I'll show I'm not happy, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm not changing that because some people don't like it.
I have a strong feeling that the reason I can't make it with a woman is to do with my views on family life. I think that not wanting a large family is going to be my downfall, all women seem all they want is to get married, have kids and spend a mans money which as you know I hate with a passion. I would take a life partner, marriage MIGHT be on the cards, depending on my feelings at the time but a large family, with kids running about, no! Can't happen, I couldn't do it. What if my child ends up like me, someone that can't even attend their own birthday dinner thrown by their loving family because they feel uncomfortable? I wouldn't want my children to be how I was, I'd like them to love their family.
I have two siblings, who are both in happy, long term relationships and my parents have been together for forty years. One works for the family business (which I tried and failed due to clashing of personalities) and the other one does well in his career (well, it's my parents who sort it, he's their bitch but of course, that's not how everyone sees it) and is loved by my parents. I on the other hand is a student/full time retail assistant who is back at home saving with no social life or girlfriend. Yes, it's not like I'm a shining light for them so I feel like I'm there to be pitied. Family parties basically consist of my parents hanging on their words while I sit there playing on my phone, it really is a fucking drag.
I want something more from my life, I want to earn my love and respect, not be given it due to the fact they're related to me. I aspire to break away from my family unit and have my own life, away from the tedious conversations, awful choices from my siblings of partners and awkward birthday parties.
I had a dream last night about The One. I was at a friends BBQ and she turned up. We argued at each other for five minutes then seconds later we were in a taxi back to mine, she stayed the night and then we had breakfast together. It was quite nice but obviously this is becoming a joke now. She was my last girlfriend, it ended nearly four years ago. People say I'm too picky and that I need to sort it out and normally I would ignore them but nowadays, I'm starting to think they're right. Four years is a very long time to be single, in that time however, the choices for potential girlfriend have been extremely limited. Why would I spend my time with someone who annoys me? Pretty much everyone annoys me to be honest, I don't really like anyone. For some reason, The One didn't really annoy me, there were little things but nothing major, nothing anywhere near major. I think that maybe, I've created my own downfall, maybe I think everyone annoys me because I look for something about them to annoy me. I can't see myself being happy with anyone, I'd have no clue where to start or how to maintain a relationship. I went for lunch today with the family (hence a lot of this blog based around the subject) and there was this waitress there, early 20s, tall, good figure, busty, blonde, interesting face, kinda things I go for (except blonde) and I thought about dating her but how the hell could I impress her or make her fall in love with me?! This relationship malarkey is much harder than people think, people just think you meet and you fall in love, that doesn't seem to happen to me. I meet people, have to convince them I'm not an idiot and by that time they've done something to piss me off and I don't want to see them. It's a circle of destruction which I have created for myself.
I'm planning on running away. I have nothing to keep me here, living in a small town is fucking boring and I suggest if you live in some backward, conservative, frightened, inbred town where the locals look like they're potential guests on Jeremy Kyle, then I urge you to get out and do something with your life. I have my plan, it's getting sorted, a few months from now, I should be laughing. I really hope I am because I can't stand being in this depressing state anymore, I want a new life away from this, I want the chance to find new people, I have to leave, there will be no regrets except not leaving sooner.

Bonus Night

Today I'm feeling a little miserable and a little lost, not a great way to start this post, it could become a bit dark so be warned.

I'd like to firstly state that I am so fed up of being constantly nice and decent to women and for them to not give a flying fuck. Seriously, a reply would be nice wouldn't it? How hard is that?

Since we last spoke, I have had Instagram walk back into my life. Remember, she went a bit quiet a couple of weeks ago? Of course you remember. Anyway, she turned up again on Valentines Day moaning about being lonely and without a date. Now being the gentleman that I am, I had originally offered to spend Valentines with me but she rejected it so by rights, I shouldn't speak to this girl again but that gets you nowhere. We talk about this and that like you do and after time, she offers to come and see me. Obviously I accept.

She came to mine where we drank wine, watched movies, cuddled and yes, we had sex. It was better than before, it felt more personal and enjoyable, it was like we actually both were fully into it which is always a bonus. I seem to have a lot of sex where I'm not really fussed and most the time I don't even finish.

The next day is much the same, cuddling, movies, food, talking about everything and anything. She leaves early evening to pick up stuff from her ex, she rings me afterwards saying what a bastard he is and I'm not going to lie, it makes me feel a little loved that she rung me to discuss it. However, there was one thing that pissed me off about her visit - she was constantly on her phone which I find so rude. If for any reason ever you can't get hold of me, it's because I'm with a female on a date or whatever, I want to give the woman my full attention not be "Hold on a minute to what you're saying, I'm just going to scroll through Instagram for five minutes and have a in depth discussion with my best friend!" Really got on my nerves about her, if I had my way, I would've hid her phone until she left.

Now, maybe this is karma, over the current weekend, we've barely spoke. This happened before but unlike before, I haven't asked what's up with her - yet. We've barely spoke since Thursday, I know she's been out and she's been working but that didn't stop her messaging me before. Something is obviously up with her, the most likely scenario is that she's not keen on me anymore because of something or other? Or she might generally go like this every couple of weeks? Now what do I do? Do I ask if she's OK? Do I wait for her to contact me? I know her being quiet is contributing to my negative mood today, I just wish people were honest and didn't play games, there is really no need to is there? I mean, if she doesn't want to see each other anymore, she just has to say, I'm a reasonable man, I can take rejection on this scale, I'd have much more respect for her. I'm sure every time I get fobbed off by a woman, they just stop replying and ignore me, it's not on. I think all women do it. Women are manipulative and will do anything to get what they want out of someone, I fucking hate them. I'd say safely that 90% of my bad moods, downfalls and failures in my life are down to some woman. Whether it's chasing someone clearly out of my league, it's being dumped, being lead on, whatever, behind every broken man is some fucking bitch who screwed them over. It's not what I need in my life. I don't need these negative, paranoid feelings which drive me insane. If she has a problem with me, it's only fair she tells me what that is. She won't though, she'll just pretend to be oblivious to how I'm feeling but of course, she knows and she's probably loving every second. Bitch.

One Night Only

OK enough of the French titles, not like you lot understand them anyway is it? Sorry I've been quiet for a few weeks, I've had a lot of work on, professionally and personally but being a lucky man, I managed to escape work early today, get a few bits done and here I am, writing to you.
So big news - I got laid! Congratulations to me, I am rather proud of myself for this. Want to hear the story? Well, I'm going to tell you.
Drunk night out a couple of Saturdays ago, I get home, drink a pint of water, roll around in bed, intoxicated with a heavy head while playing on my phone, going through Instagram liking a particular girls pictures where out of nowhere, she sends me a message on FB being sarcastic. "Stop creeping on my pictures please." I didn't know what to reply but before the silence killed me she started up a conversation. We talked for an hour or so and in the end, I decided to give her my number. 
We talk all the next day, and the next day and so on. She's totally my type, long dark hair, legs that go on for miles, busty, big dark eyes and a face that I could kiss all day. She has recently broken up with her boyfriend of three years, he left her because he was fed up with the relationship, sad really, he doesn't know what he's missing, she seems pretty spot on from where I stand. She obviously seems lonely at present and I tell her about my current situation basically being that I need a good night, I offer to go up to where she lives, get a hotel and we go for a night out and she agrees. Normally when I suggest this, the girl will say yes and nothing will come of it. I decide not to sort the hotel out until the day comes, I don't want to jinx it or end up looking like an idiot. The day comes and she's game so I sort us out the hotel and after work, make my way there. I get ready in the hotel and meet her there. She looks as gorgeous as she does online, that's the best start.
We grabbed some food and went for drinks. We talked about everything and anything, movies we liked, bands we listened to, mutual friends, her ex, why I'm single. It goes really well, like a perfect first date, I hadn't been on a date since that tart off the television and I was a little nervous at first but it all ticks over nicely. We return to the hotel at a reasonable hour where we talk more, flirt, kiss and of course, we fuck. Seeing as she had recently become single and for all I know I could've been her first since, I gave her a lot of attention. She made the most incredible noises as I flicked my tongue against her clit and when I was inside her, she looked so gorgeous, her face twisting in pleasure, I love it when a girl fully lets herself go in bed. Afterwards we stay up for a while, spooning, being silly and flirting until I fall asleep on her.
The next morning was comfortable, we went for breakfast, had a walk around town, did a bit of shopping, got coffee and also popped into the museum which was a nice touch before leaving her in the middle of the afternoon. To be honest I felt a little sad leaving her. I had a great night and day with her, she made me laugh and I had fun with her but also I knew that our current situations meant it probably wouldn't even lead to anything else, probably wouldn't even see her on that level ever again.
Since this date our talking constantly has quietened right down. I've been thinking about it and I can't have anything serious, she met up with ex on Monday and she also told me she still has feelings for him which I suppose is totally understandable. I text her Sunday evening saying that she shouldn't worry about how I'm feeling. I said I liked her and I had a great time with her but I wasn't going to force anything upon her and she was very mature about the whole thing which was a relief, I didn't want her to hate me or for myself to get in too deep and then get cut up about it when it inevitably blows up. For this I totally respect her and I want her to be happy whatever she decides to do with herself. I have the feeling she might get back with her ex, they're better suited for one thing, obviously I lose out again but will it hinder my life? No, you know why? I'm not going to let it, I already have another girl who I'm interested in.

Un point de départ intéressant pour la nouvelle année.

2013 is just about a week old, how exciting eh? This year I have many aims which I'm not going to discuss with you, that way, you might realize who I am and what I want. Instead I'll discuss what happened in the early hours of 2013, it was just bloody typical really.

Ok, clock strikes 12, exciting times as always, get a little kiss which was nice and a first for a few years and then we go into a 'club' where guess who I encountered? Yep, MILF. Dressed up as Marilyn Monroe with her massive breasts on show. We have a New Year kiss and then I end up leaving with her friend and her seconds later to go back to MILFs house. We get back, pour drinks and end up having an underwear party. Basically, this consists of having a party in your underwear. Me and MILF have a little smooch but then somehow decide to try and get her friend to join in which she declines. We keep on at her, she keeps saying no. Good on her I suppose, so what do we do? Leave her to be and go to MILFs bedroom to fuck. We have our typical routine of sex (getting boring now) and I check my phone. I have a text from my friend asking where I am. She's staying at mine and I have to find her otherwise she'll be screwed. I break the news to MILF and she's not happy, she kicks off on me saying she hates me. I just grab my stuff and walk towards town to find my friend.

Turns out my friend managed to get into my house so I go straight home. I get in and she's wide awake. We stay up, have a chat about MILF and then me and my friend fuck, again. Seriously, not again! That's twice in a month! It was weird the other week we did it but not this time, it was easier probably due to the fact that we were both wankered. It's strange though because we hung out the other day and there are no awkward feelings but there aren’t any feelings of lust or love either. I'm sure both are spontaneous weird moments in time and space that no-one could explain ever. To be honest, I hope that is correct. Us having sex and turning into love is not what we want, us having sex and turning into awkwardness is not what we want either, so I hope that it's the spontaneous weird explanation.

So those were my first hours of 2013 and it literally took three hours to have sex with two women. Since that moment however I haven't had any other opportunity to meet anyone. Currently I must admit I should be with a woman who I do fancy the stockings off but I'm not which I'm a little gutted about. Surely soon this will happen and I can't wait, she's bloody gorgeous. I hope you all have your fingers crossed for us.

2012

So the year is nearly over, sad really, it's been pretty enjoyable. All my goals I set myself have been achieved and I'm on course for next year too. This blog isn't about that though, this blog is about sex, love, lust etc etc etc. Shall we have the summary?
Well of course there was the famous tart off the television with her deceiving ways, basically a lying bitch who was so fame hungry, not really relationship material. My friend put it in great context when I was upset about her. He said "You got talking to her on twitter, she's one of the hottest ones, you met her, you fucked her, why are you complaining?" and that is exactly how I look back at it now, she was hot and out of my league on a social and physical basis yet I fucked her, all's well I suppose.
Then we had that girl who I would have as a girlfriend. We were meant to be seeing each other before Christmas, even got her a present but of course, she cancelled...twice. It's things like this is the reason why I don't trust women, seriously with all the cancellations I might as well not bother dating and it gets like that very often. I really liked this girl, she made me laugh and I was so comfortable with her, I could tell her anything but she obviously didn't feel the same about me. I text her on Boxing Day telling her how she made me feel, she gave me some pathetic response saying she was ill which can't have been that bad, she was out Friday and Saturday night. She's just another slut who needs to realise that good men don't come along too often.
So who else have we had? Oh yeah, the local 18 year old. Now, this girl, she'll need a name...errrrm Sex on the Beach? There we go, she's called that now. She's proper fit, stereotypically fit. She's a bit of a chav but seriously, one of the most gorgeous faces I've ever seen and a body to die for, very busty, nice. We were seeing each other over the summer, nice weather so we'd pretty much hang out down the beach, talking, sharing stories, kind of things you do. It was funny because I've known this girl for three years or so and she was a proper nightmare when she was younger, being 15 and turning up at parties wasted, her poor mum. She used to mix with some terrible people which she had ditched by the time we actually had a conversation (July 2012) and I discovered that she was actually a sweet, caring person with a good sense of humour which was such a pleasant surprise. Our dating cycle just fizzled out I suppose, she's unemployed so that limits many things that we can do, I suppose it was a bit of summer fun and we had a good time, there's certainly no hard feelings there and get still get on, I do think about meeting up with her again for a 'catch up' because she was fucking great at that, one of my top ten I'd safely say. I'll make that top ten blog another day.
Last but not least of course is my MILF. That's what she is, a MILF. She's 38 and has a 20 year old daughter. She's a redhead with fake breasts. That's all I'm saying. I met her out in my town one night and we fucked. We got talking a couple of months later and over the last two months, we've fucked every so often. She's good, there's no doubt about that. I'm not ageist or anything but seriously, older women know what they want. 18-21 year olds on a large scale don't have a fucking clue what to do in bed, that's why MILF appeals. Her main problem is that she sends some weird texts when she's drunk and obviously gets a bit emotional. I feel bad because she is a wonderful woman and she deserves to be loved by someone who will take care of her. I'm really not that man and I want to stop it. I did turn her down Christmas Day so I suppose I'm on course.
Right, they're the main women of 2012, the TV whore, the lying whore, the sweet 18 year who fucks like a porn star and the MILF who fucks like a porn star. There are others of course but I'll give you a short and sweet summary.
Gig girl - Met her at a gig, she was staying at the same hotel, we fucked a couple of times. She asked for my number which I replied with "Look, it's not like we're gonna see each other again but you can follow me on twitter if you like?" and she did.
Ex-colleague - Used to work with this woman, she moved away but ended up moving back as she broke up with her partner of six years. We met up through a mutual friend, all got a bit drunk and ended up having sex. She wanted me to stay and spoon her but I rejected and left. I told my boss about this and they said I was heartless. Okay, maybe I was a tad harsh but I'm selfish and I wanted to go home, I didn't want an awkward morning, I was this woman's boss!
Pub girl - Met this girl in our local, funny, never meet girls in there. I think she did the typical "Oh I love your glasses" which I get everywhere. We had a kiss and exchanged numbers. A week later we bumped into each other out, she came back to mine, we fucked and then she left, without a thank you or anything! What a tart, she totally used me! I wasn't that bothered, I was using her like I do with pretty much most women I fuck. Funny thing about this was I saw her a couple of times after, when I was running or in the pub and she'd ignore me. Then one night, out and about in town, I see her but ignore her. A few minutes later she texts me saying "Nice to be said hello to ;)" SERIOUSLY! This girl had ignored me every time I saw her and now she's having a go because I ignored her. Women eh? Anyway we did have a chat but that was the end of it. My friend told me her Dad is some psychotic ex-copper which would probably chase me around with a plank of wood with a nail in it. I've seen him, I can imagine him doing exactly that.
Berlin - Finally, there is Berlin. She is called this due to the fact she'd booked a weekend city break to Berlin. She was a lovely girl, a little older than me. Met her on POF, very sweet but also very regular. She seemed very interested in my love life and my history. I give off the impression that I'm bitter and not a fan of many people which is largely true, she seemed to love this. I went to visit, we had a nice evening, drank wine, talked (mainly me talking) and then she seduced me which was more fun than I thought it would be. She got upset with me because I led her on, I don't see how, I just flirted like I normally do but there we go, in her eyes I did and for that I apologised. I did say I didn't want anything more and I still don't, not with anyone. She needs someone sensible and reliable, she's that kind of woman, basically not my type.
Of course there's been others I have been texting etc which nothing has came about due to distance, effort or I've pissed them off, example @zoo woman who seems to have been hurt a lot, I think I want to save her, I think she's misunderstood and I want to help her, if she wants it of course, she's one of my three twitter crushes in fact, but don't tell her yeah? Then there's the usual people I've found on twitter which have made my days go by quicker in some way or another, thank you I suppose.
So there you have it, 2012 in women. I didn't think any of that would happen but it did and even though nothing came of any of them, I've enjoyed them all but I can't say I've learnt too much from them all I'm afraid. Hopefully next year it'll all be different, maybe I'll fall in love and have an adult relationship, maybe The One will turn up and I'll tell her to do one, maybe one of my twitter crushes will reveal her undying love for me and ask to run away with me to South Korea? Either way, I'm sure 2013 will be eventful regarding my love life and of course, I'll keep you posted.

Mon patron.

After four boring days of work, I finally have a day off tomorrow. Fair enough I won't be doing too much exciting, no, actually, I'm going for a couple of drinks in the evening in my small town, could be fun, I'll let you know of any juicy gossip of course but other than that it's due to be reasonably quiet which I don't mind, I can wrap some presents and get into the Christmas spirit, I'm a massive fan of Christmas (currently listening to 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day') and I can't wait until I finish work for the festive season. Back to the serious nature (ha) of the blog, I was having a little bit of a heated discussion with my boss today who doesn't like the way I live my life and endlessly talk about it, regarding my sex life of course.

Now I work entirely with women who all have partners or husbands, they all have quite regular lives and not a lot to talk about of any interest, they discuss The X-Factor and which celebrity is trying to grab the most attention this week in Heat. When I have a story to tell them, they love it because it makes them laugh. This isn't why I do it but I do enjoy telling the story and it makes the working day go by easier, my job isn't very exciting and having a laugh with my collegues keeps me sane but my boss looks down on me because I casually date women, some I like, some I'm scared of, some I don't respect which okay, fair enough, you should respect women but not all girls give men respect, far from it. Some women are just so vile and disgusting I wouldn't give them the time of day, honestly it seems like women are locked in a constant battle to try and humiliate men as much as possible and they know how to do it. She made out that all women are princess' who don't have casual sex which we all know is total shit, women like casual sex, they also like playing games, leading men on and cheating which isn't a big deal or a shock because men are like it also. This really got on my nerves, massively. She also didn't believe that I slept with women! I think she sees me as some kind of frigid geek who makes up stories about women I've dated or had encounters with to make people like me. I can be called many things but I'm NOT a liar! I don't understand the point in lying about your sex life, people would find out that you hadn't fucked the person in question. I don't want to live some fantasy life I tell people, I want the stories I share to be the truth. I just think she's old fashioned and that she hasn't met anyone like me before. I said that I'm a good person who has been in love before and been screwed over and that's why I take this approach which only seemed to make it worse for her. She was really disgusted with me after this conversation and I surely won't be sharing any of my wonderful stories with her again. Works both ways, if I get a girlfriend, she can't ever meet her, I won't even mutter a word. Actually, I think if she mentions her husband, I'll just walk away, it disgusts me that she can have a lowly view on my love life yet hers is perfect because she met the man of her life at 25 and is now married and that's what I should've done, sorry, life doesn't have the same path for everyone!

I was with my best friend last night who had a long distance relationship last year. She didn't want him to meet our group of friends because we're like this, we have sex with people and quite often become friends with them, her man couldn't get his head round this fact and she didn't want to make matters worse by introducing him to us, probably a good thing anyway, most of my friends are dickheads and I'm not proud of them but you get the idea, we're not normal and I'm okay with that. I just wish sometimes could be more open minded. I'm not in the right headspace to have a relationship, I'm scared of it failing, getting my heart ripped out and looking like a total wanker. No thanks, I'd rather have casual dates every so often and focus on what I need to do in my life. Once that's done then I can worry about being destroyed by a woman.

'The One'

I text my old work colleague today to see how they were getting on and they're obviously fantastic, she's a good girl so good for her. Listen to this, she's only ever kissed seven men, done stuff with six of them and slept with five of them, feel sorry for the man who only got a snog don't you? Anyway it turns out she works with the mother of 'The One' which she obviously had to tell me. Now, it got me thinking about her quite a bit, I still have her Facebook and even though we haven't spoke in about two years, it made me have the urge to message her to see how she was. Her profile picture has changed and it's not got him in it anymore, maybe they've broke up or they're going through a bad patch, whatever it is surely I shouldn't contact her, should I? I mean, she knows where I am, if she ever wants to hunt me down then she can, I wouldn't put it past her. I think I'd like to see her again, she was a great laugh and not many women have ever made me feel like she has. It's a hard one and I'm going to have to think about it, might write a message but not send it, am I being an idiot?

Mon choix.

I hope you're all enjoying the blog, I'm enjoying writing it. I think I'm going to keep it exclusively to dating, women, sex and all things related, much more fun isn't it?

Today I finally have a day off from my constant cycle of work and study which is a relief, I normally go running in the morning but not today, I wanted to sleep in. I did some studying this morning but the afternoon would be dedicated away from that. So what do I do? I'll blog, that's what I do. Expect a few posts.

Earlier I was thinking about women, OK, I'm lying; I'm always thinking about women. It's not my fault and I don't think you can judge me, I'm being honest. I think about having sex on a very regular basis, I also think about meeting women, spending time with them, making them smile, disappointing them, arousing them, everything, all emotions thrown in there. I presume it isn't only me which makes up future scenarios in their head right? The one's where your realistic dreams are realised and that life toddles along perfectly, they're great, it's those kind of thoughts which really get you through a long day at work. There's always a dream woman in them, the one that finally calms me down and doesn't make my mind wander off thinking about other women, wishing that I could fuck them etc. I don't want to feel like that, I don't want a mix between the two, I either want to have the casual dating life where my mind can wander wherever it wants without having any guilt or to find that woman in the daydreams which is 100% my focus, my love, my lust and my happiness and no longer have wandering thoughts, that's unlikely, right?

Since The 'One' decided that leading me on was stupid and our messed up situation ended, I've only met two women who I would want to be my 100% focus. One of course was La fille celebre who as we know was never going to happen. Looking back on it, I think it would've been an awful relationship to have, one where I would've had to give everything without getting anything back. A lot of beautiful, stuck up women are like that, there seems to be this idea these days that women are quite happy to be a bimbo, bitchy wife-type who sits around waiting for a rich man to come in their life. Honestly, if I was loaded or not, I wouldn't want some silly tart spending the money I had earned on some overpriced items of her choice, I'd want a woman with a career and goals, or at least a full time role where she was happy with what she was doing, I wouldn't expect a woman to buy me everything I desired. Men and women are equal now, it's not the 50's anymore, women have every entitlement that men have in today's society, so bloody make the most of it, don't be a lazy, nagging, money grabbing bitch, probably half the reason men in these type of marriages have affairs, the men who settle down with these kind of women are idiots, just because they look like a television whore, it doesn't mean they are one, not that I'm saying television whores are great role models or anything, I mean, look at Tulisa, would you marry someone of that calibre? Didn't think so.

The only other woman on this list is not exactly the most gorgeous woman I've ever dated (she is sexy of course and she looks amazing naked) but she has her life sorted, she is settled with a home and a car, she's of a perfect age compared to mine, we have a lot in common but the best thing is that she makes me laugh, I love a woman who makes me laugh. Note to women - there's no point being a stuck up miserable bitch who's afraid of not looking 100% all the time and thinking they're God's gift because men think you're an idiot, men like a laugh, we enjoy women being stupid with us, mucking around and generally being a good laugh. When we see each other, I always have a good time even though we never really do much, we'll cook, watch DVD's, catch up on our lives, tell stories about the weirdo's that we know. The bottom line is that when I'm with her, she makes me happier than anyone else I've seen since The 'One.' She's a fantastic girl and someone who I could have a proper, no hassle but exciting relationship with. 

If I wanted to have to have a relationship with anyone, then this woman is that person but do I want a relationship with anyone? That's the first hurdle, I don't know if the Pro's are worth the Con's. It's nice seeing her every so often, having a fun, cosy evening, a good spooning and a good night of sex but I have a lot to happen soon, I want to escape here as soon as I'm able to. This will get in the way until I've escaped, unless I don't escape and stay here but then what if we got together, broke up in two years then I become delirious, crushed and I resent her because I didn't escape here and follow the big dream? Secondly I don't even know how she feels about me, we've had sex, we've flirted, we've had good times but maybe she's like that with everyone and I just take things like that a bit too seriously, it's hard isn't it? I wouldn't want to put myself on the line and then be shot down, I don't take to rejection well, I'd feel as if there's something personally wrong with me, for example, The 'One' making me question my masculinity, that killed me inside, she made me feel that I couldn't make any woman happy and content with me. Yeah, I'm still not over that one and I don't think I will be until I find that woman which I adore and is content with me and what I do for her.

I think it's best if I stay single and in the casual dating frame of mind for now, until the escaping situation is sorted, that's the main goal and I have to keep going for it because at the end of the day, women don't help me study and they certainly don't help me earn money.

La fille célèbre.

You're getting the idea now, I'm posting mainly about dating, I hope my terrible experiences can aid you in your own love lives, if not then I hope mine make you laugh at least. Until I go on another date, you're stuck with my past experiences for now. This one though is something which I would've never dreamt in a million years. This was six weeks of love and loss. You ready?

In February 2012 I become addicted to a very popular television show, it's total trash Saturday night television which isn't really my thing but I can't help having a guilty pleasure from time to time. Being an avid Twitter user, I follow some of the people in this show, a couple for some reason follow me but one in particular takes a interest in me. I reply to a tweet they posted with something sarcastically which they reply honestly and brutally. A few minutes later, she's following me and starts talking to me, taking an interest. We talk for about an hour before she gives me her private Facebook account and we talk on there, all day. Before I go to bed I take a risk and give her my phone number, why not? I give everyone my phone number. One thing you must understand about me, I'm a hermit, I don't have many friends (through choice) in the real world but through Twitter, I make friends, I'd rather talk to them than most of the people I know. She texts me! Mad! A girl who is watched by millions every weekend, who my friends (the handful) say is gorgeous, has just text me! A few days later we speak on the phone, we talk for nearly four hours, we discuss music we like, the show, my life, my studies, her son and other subjects in between. I decided that I wanted to meet this woman, I had fallen for someone on the television every Saturday night and I wanted her in my life.
She suggests to me that she wants to meet me. She lived in the midlands and I agree to meet her in Birmingham, a mission for me but I'm very keen, she's gorgeous, she makes me laugh and she's famous, I had to do it, I had to impress her, I had to take this opportunity, even if it was a disaster, at least I tried, you have to take every chance of happiness. I meet her at Birmingham New Street and we instantly click, we kiss so passionately, I hold her face softly and tell her how beautiful she looks, she smiles and holds me. We visit the art museum, it's like something out of a romantic novel, we're together, acting like a couple in love looking at beautiful pieces of art. We go shopping in The Bullring where she gets recognized by some lads, that was a really strange feeling, for your date to be recognized because she was on television. She helps me pick out clothes and suggests a top because in her words "It has a little football man on it, you love football, it was made for you!" We end up in Chinatown, we get dinner and decide we want to see each other again, she invites me to stay with her the following weekend. Ten days can't come soon enough.
In the meantime we speak at every second possible, we can't stop talking, about the upcoming weekend and our romantic, wonderful day together. As a little surprise, I arrange to get some flowers sent to her. When she gets them she rings me saying how wonderful I am, she tweets a picture of them and they were beautiful. The lady in the florists did me proud, only the second time I had ever sent flowers but the first time to be a success! I sent her two private YouTube messages showing her my appreciation for her, it was romantic and sweet, she loved them anyway. I thought I was in love, maybe I was but more than likely, I was going to end up looking like a mug.
The day comes, an hour on the train, followed by a four hour coach, followed by an hours train and I'm there. I'm at her house with her, she answers the door looking as beautiful as ever, perfect make up, long dark hair and dressed impeccably. She introduces me to her son who takes an instant liking to me. She has to take her son out to see his Dad and I'm left alone for two hours, luckily I took some coursework with me to keep me occupied. I get that done in an hour, so what now? I decided to let my curiosity get the better of me and look around her house. Her home was a little palace, the place was immaculate, antiques and pieces of art all over. I did what no man should do and look in a ladies bedroom. Now, I was staying the night, I was going to see it later on anyway. I opened the door expecting the most beautiful bedroom and, well, I was shocked. There were clothes, make up and hair extensions everywhere. It looked like Amy Child's bedroom had a bomb go off in it, it was filthy or dirty, it was just a total mess. I rung my friend and she thought it was hilarious. She returned soon afterwards, obviously I didn't say anything but I really wanted to, I wanted to offer to help her clean it but I thought it was best to keep my mouth shut, she was obviously embarrassed about it, I was curious to see what happened when it was bedtime.
We have dinner, we watch her show (she gets over 150 notifications on Twitter) and we have a lot of sex but it's not sex, it's passionate, it's not dirty, it's full of love, looking deep into each others eyes, holding her close, telling her how amazing and beautiful she is. We fall asleep together on the sofa and stay there all night. She says in the morning that her bedroom is being decorated so we couldn't stay there, what a liar eh? Just tell the truth, I'd understand, I already knew anyway so it didn't matter. 
The following day is, well, boring. We sit there, I make her breakfast and we watch 'The IT Crowd' until it's my time to go. She literally loses all her energy, it's like she can't be bothered anymore. I found this particularly odd, I was so happy to be there with her, I didn't care that we weren't doing something amazing, I just wanted to be spending time with her. I leave in some kind of forced romantic moment, from her part anyway and I go, that's it. The weekend is over and I'm heading home. I sit on the coach reflecting on the weekend, what happened? Why do I feel low? Why was the second day a drag? She had either used me for what she wanted or that I wasn't what she expected of me but that couldn't be it, we had already spent one of the most romantic days I'd ever had with someone together, it was confusing.
About three days after the weekend, the calls dried up, the texts dried up, the tweets dried up - I was well and truly dumped but obviously, a man doesn't want to think this so what did I do, I rung her, I text her, I tweeted her, no reply. This really got to me, all I could think about was this girl, this girl who I had fallen madly for, who I stuck up for (people called her a talentless bitch, they weren't far wrong but they didn't have the pleasure of seeing what she was like in bed) who I wanted to treasure, look after and care for, why was she doing this? I tried everything but I got nothing back. I didn't look at my Twitter for days in fear of reading something I didn't want to read. This had gone far enough so in the end I sent her a video message saying if she wanted to talk to me then I was here. I heard nothing, I was devastated. OK, I realise that I went a bit mental but seriously, this is what annoyed me, if she didn't want to talk to me again, she could've said, she didn't have to ignore me and make me feel like a pathetic stalker but she did and for that I hate her, I thought she had the potential to be different but she wasn't, she was like most of the women I've fallen for, a total heartbreaking bitch.
Two weeks later, she tweets me asking why I haven't spoke to her, is she mad? I ring her, she doesn't pick up. She texts me right away asking me not to call because I'm angry with her. I ring again and she picks up. She says that she didn't like our distance and that she couldn't go on and she's sorry. I don't accept her apology but I explain that she should've told me sooner, I'm a reasonable guy and I can take getting dumped, it's happened often enough to me anyway.
Soon turns out that she's been shagging some photographer all along. She stated that they were friends but obviously they were more than friends, fucking bitch eh? OK, we were never official but to me, there was a deep connection, love and respect for each other, I opened up to her, I showed my honest self and she betrayed that, she could've been lying about everything else and it made me furious. I sent her an essay of a text message saying I've discovered about her and the photographer and that I had worked it out for myself. She texts me saying how horrible I was and how badly I treated her! Really? What a fucking joke! I couldn't believe it. I deleted everything, the pictures, the texts, the videos, I blocked her on Facebook and Twitter and we never spoke again, sad it ended badly but it wasn't my fault that she wasn't a nice person. In a way, I don't blame her too much, I mean, she was on television, I'd probably let it get to my head also.

So there you have it. That was my Twitter romance with the dark haired, petite goth lady from Saturday night television. I have no idea what she's doing now, if she's still shagging the photographer or if she wants the clothes she bought me back, I kind of hope she's having a miserable existence but I bet she's happy somewhere with her hermit lifestyle and her extremely untidy room that I was once willing to help tidy, bet no other man she's met since would've offered her that.

Mes copines.

In the ten years previous to this evening, I have managed to convince four women to have the honour of being my girlfriend. These four women have shaped me into the man which stands here today writing this (I'm actually sitting) and have conjured up my views on females. Woman are deceitful, evil, bitchy and want one thing - everything. They have used these aspects to ultimately destroy me in the past and I presume I'll have a moment of weakness when one will again in the future. Some of this pain I have truly deserved, some I haven't, either way, it's upset and broken me. Have you ever read 'High Fidelity' by Nick Hornby? It's about a break up from a male point of view and I can relate to so much of it, it's actually terrifying, the way I think I'm always the victim (I mostly am) and how nasty women can be to get what they want. Break ups are the worst thing in the world, they take me to a state of deliriousness, I have no idea where I am or what to do with myself.
Let's begin the list of these women who have been held in such high regard by yours truly.

Plymouth

I'll call her that because that's where I met her. I met her at a concert nearly ten years ago. She was typically gorgeous, beautiful long blonde hair, deep blue eyes I could stare in all day and the figure of a Playboy model, she was seventeen, she should have a good figure. If you don't have a good figure at that age, you're screwed. I instantly fell for her, I never felt love before. It was wonderful, I totally immersed myself into her life and I loved every second. She was a straightforward girl, doing her A Levels, impatiently waiting for University and being successful. I was working full time in sales not looking straightforward, I was interested in having a good time, I was playing the rock and roll star, I wasn't in a band but people would think I was. I had it all, I had a look and a way of life, I worked so I had money to enjoy myself, I was the total opposite of her. I look back now and I don't know why I went for her but love makes you do stupid things. She hated the way I was, the way I looked, the friends I had (they were mostly dickheads) and the direction my life was heading which was nowhere. She would beg me to change my look and how I lived my life, she would go on and on saying things like "When people see me, they expect me to be seen with a smart, shaven, well-dressed man not someone like you." which of course is such a horrible thing to hear but I stuck to my guns, I refused to change for a long time.

She worked in a bar in central Plymouth, some kind of mix between Wetherspoons and a happening place, I'd spend Friday and Saturday nights there with her friends who probably felt like they were keeping me warm. She would flirt with men in front of me, rugby players, marines, all muscles and no brains, the kind of men women don't say they want but actually do. There was this one who would always be there, always trying to flirt with her; she'd tell me about it saying she always turned him on. I was convinced she was cheating on me with him and you know what, she probably was but at the time I trusted her.
After a year of us being together, I shaped up and smartened up. I cut my hair, got a sensible dress sense, I was still rock and roll but on a more organised level where these people that thought the world of her (still don't know who these so called folk are) could approve of me. I seriously don't know why she went out with me, we lived ages apart, barely spend any time together, we had sex about five times ever but there must have been something about me that appealed to her.

It turned out that she had been cheating on me, with a guy who was pretty much the spitting image of me but went to college with her. She told me after I came back from a family holiday. I couldn't wait to see her, I hadn't seen her for a month, the first thing I did was go and see her but within an hour of seeing her, she had devastated me. How could she do that? I did everything for that girl, I smartened up, I put up with her ex-boyfriend camping with us at a festival and crying to me about how much he loved her, I would put up with that bar, watching these airheads trying to fuck her size 8 body (they probably were, no wonder we didn't have much sex) and her mother belittling me at every opportunity she could, staying at that house was so uncomfortable. This crushed me, I didn't see how I could survive, my whole world collapsed. This girl was who I was going to spend the rest of my life with but now that was snatched away from me and in doing that, she'd betrayed my trust and made me look like an idiot in front of everyone. This girl was my first love and she destroyed the image of happily ever after for me, if I had never started that ludicrous relationship, then maybe I would've treated women better for years afterwards. Women, you can have this for free, if a man has treated you like you're worthless, it's because a girl he adored destroyed him. You all want your fairytale romance but there is a man in it also, they also want the happy ending.

Rebound

After the devastating news that Plymouth lumped on me without asking, I went to see a friend. She was the opposite, petite thing, long dark hair, tiny, pocket sized, small chested, timid and into her rock and roll. When I was returning the day after I was humiliated in the worst way possible, I decided I had to see someone, that someone was Rebound. I went to her house, smoked a lot of cheap hash that you can't find around these days and tell her about the previous night.

After a month or so of us spending time together, we grew attached romantically and started a relationship. She was easy going and laid back, she didn't expect me to impress every single person we ever came across, she didn't have dick heads trying to fuck her left, right and centre, she was a sensible, intelligent girl who enjoyed getting stoned, watching movies and snuggling - perfect. At that time and age, that's all I ever wanted from a girl and I was a very happy man - for a while.

One night, I get a text message from a girl I'd never met. The message was saying how gorgeous I was and how she wanted me. Strange really seeing as I have no idea how she got my number or how she knew who the hell I was. I text back saying I wasn’t interested; I wasn't going to do to Rebound what Plymouth had done to me. The girl would text me every day saying things such as "I just walked past you, you're looking fit x" and so forth. She kept asking to meet and I kept saying no until the day I gave in. I agreed to meet her after work, just for half hour so I could tell her thanks but no thanks. It turned out that this girl was a bit of a looker, she was punky and raw, I was instantly attracted, what was I going to do? I fancied the arse off her but I had a girlfriend and I was happy. We carried on texting each other and eventually, we kissed. I felt so guilty and I couldn't stop thinking about what a bad person I was being.

While this was happening, I went to this rock club, it was the first time I'd been in a club without a partner on my arm. I was surprised; I got so much female attention and met so many people who were into the same bands, movies, TV shows and fashion as me. I wanted to take these women in the toilets and fuck every single one of them. This is it isn't it, when you're stoned, comfy, watching a good film, your girlfriend is everything you need but when you're drunk and in a club, you want every woman you lay your eyes on, you want the craziest and raunchiest night possible. I had to break up with my girlfriend; I had to break her heart. It was the most horrible thing, I watched her face as her heart sunk, she asked me to leave and I did. I was relieved because I was now single and I could enjoy a new social life, one where she didn't fit and where I had new opportunities to make friends and make girls want to fuck me. I met up with the stalker and fucked her, she turned out to have a boyfriend and be in a bit of a situation so I ran from that but that didn't stop me. I fucked my friends girlfriend behind his back, he found out and he wants to kill me still, not just for that (I'll explain later) but still, that didn't stop me, I fucked another friends ex but she was gorgeous so it had to be done, I was the envy of our friendship group, still get people talking to me about that one. I also fell for another girl who I never thought wanted me (I'll tell you about that situation another time) and fucked anyone else that I could.

While this was happening, Rebound was getting close to my best friend. How could they be doing this? My ex and my best friend?! What arseholes, did they not realise I'd be mad? I had to stop it, anyway possible. We were all having a smoke and everyone left, it was just me and rebound. I seduced her, while my friend was probably relishing the prospect of having a nice girlfriend awaiting him, I was fucking her. What a bastard I am eh? I stopped that relationship ever happening. We started fucking, in secret of course, I didn't want people to know that I destroyed their chance of happiness. I didn't want her back, I was happy, I was fucking her and I was still sleeping around.

She got her own back though, and good for her, she got me good and proper. In this time, she had decided to come clubbing with me, I would still pull girls in front of her, I didn't care what she thought, I was being a typical male, something I never saw myself becoming two years previous. She was a pretty thing and attracted men but turned them down because she loved me and I didn't give a fuck, not one bit. Then she got with one of them in front of me and I kicked off. I started on him, I started on my friends, I screamed and shouted at them in the street, I cried, I basically threw my toys out the pram, then threw the pram, then myself. I embarrassed myself on such a public level, I still see some of these people to this day and obviously they remember it, it's awful. I was such an idiot, I had no right to kick off, I had been a total arsehole and she was very much in her right to do this. They must've felt so good when they got together, I fucking hated it. From that moment, I was crushed once again and my luck with women went downhill, probably because people spoke and what happened that fateful evening went down in 2005 history. The woman who I was taking the piss out of got the better of me.

Nutcase

After Rebound got the better of me, I decided that I had obviously fucked up my existence around these parts. I moved away a few months later. I had a couple of friends in a big city and I took a chance. I loved it, I had a decent job, I made lots of new friends, had a nice flat and my chances of meeting desirable women greatly increased. I was finding women all over the place, proper, attractive women who I would've showed off on my mantlepiece as trophies (OK most of them, there's always a couple of girls you wouldn't have even muttered a word to if you weren't wankered) but somehow, one of them got me in a relationship, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! I was having a great time! I was seeing some hairdresser who was totally drop dead gorgeous, her only problem was she wouldn't have sex with me yet (obviously she has respect for herself) and I was also fucking this girl who was having a shit time with her boyfriend (I even bumped into her out one night when she was with him, awkward really, I had come in his girlfriend the day before) but that all had to end, I got myself a girlfriend. She was sweet enough, good figure, massive stoner, student, a bit posh (loaded parents) and had a nice flat. We had three months together, the first few weeks were ok, she bought me a great Christmas present and she would fuck me all night.

 Disaster soon struck. I ended up with a £700 council tax bill! I couldn't afford that, my flat cost loads so she offered me to move in. I did, and that's where it went wrong. I leave my laptop on 24/7, I'm always downloading something or other, I'd leave it there while she was at home. I had a phone call off her in the middle of the working day, she was furious! She claimed that I was having an affair with a girl, we filmed us having sex then the girl sent it to her. There is a video but there was no affair and the girl didn't have it. Nutcase obviously looked through my laptop and found it. Silly of me to keep it but it's my laptop, she shouldn't be looking through it. From then on, all I got was grief. I was leaving the house for work, she thought I was cheating on her. I'd see friends, she'd kick off, scream and cry so I wouldn't go and ended up cutting off my friends. She stopped me going to a gig/DJ set by a popular Indie band because she was convinced I was shagging the lesbian friend I was going with, I didn't go to the gig. By this point I was ready to end my life let alone the relationship. I'd sit outside her flat for an hour after work, ringing people up because I couldn't deal with going inside and seeing what mental nonsense she had conjured up that day. After various other mental episodes (ask if you want to know more, don't want to give too much away) I had decided to escape but where? I had no cash and I was living with this mental bitch. I decided to move back here, I would be away from her and that's all I could think about, away from her. I didn't care about my job, since she started going crazy, my work performance had got worse and worse.

One evening while she was at work, I spoke to an old friend for a long time online about coming back home and all the mental happenings in my life. They found it hilarious (I tell this story to many people, they all love it) and said I had to escape. I left my laptop on and went to bed. At 3am, Nutcase woke me up kicking and screaming. She had obviously read my conversation and didn't like it, not surprised. She threw a pregnancy text box at me! "I'm pregnant with your child!" SHIT. I got no sleep that night, she slept fine. I worked the next day, well, I say I worked, I sat out the back smoking, drinking tea and trying to work out what the hell I was going to do, I didn't want to be a Dad, I still don't want to be a Dad, I couldn't have this child. After work, we met in a bar. It was a Saturday evening; bars were getting busier by the second. We sat at a table where she cried hysterically, everyone in the bar gave me a look of utter contempt; they must've thought I was the biggest arsehole ever. I was strong though, I said we had to get rid of it, she refused. I said it wasn't possible for us to bring it up and she agreed but said I had to sort the abortion which I was fine with. She then said "I want to go private, it's going to cost £1000." I suggested NHS which she said cost £750! IS SHE HAVING A LAUGH?! The NHS is free last time I checked! She was lying! She was putting me through this fake pregnancy just to keep me! I told her to go to the local hospital, it would be free, she declined. I left the bar and went home. I carried on living with her for a couple more weeks, she'd comment on how big her stomach was getting (she would've been 10 weeks pregnant) and how she had terrible morning sickness. In the end she kicked me out and I stayed on a friends sofa for a month. I managed to get my stuff and I moved back home. This isn't every single detail, times like our anniversary and meeting my Aunt for dinner really means I'm shagging 'some tart' have been kept out because, well, I don't want you knowing everything now do I?

Unlike the first two girlfriends, I never loved this girl, I was never rejected by this girl. However, this girl was a total nutcase. I found out through a friends girlfriend who knew her ex that she is known for being a headcase and the day she had the 'abortion' she went out on the lash. Love does funny things to people doesn't it? If anyone ever says girls are straightforward, I'll always refer them to this girl. Last I heard she was married, the poor groom, I wonder if she threw that pregnancy test box at him and her believed her? I don't think I want to know.

The 'One'

After living back home for a few months, I got back into the old routine. I found a job in a popular high street chain, I got new friends, I'd picked up some casual bad habits and I had found a new place to go on a Friday night; this is where I met The 'One.'

I remember it like it was yesterday but it was over five years ago. I was sitting down after dancing to something or other when I noticed this girl, short, straight fringe, long hair, busty, polkadot dress and the cutest smile ever. She wouldn't have been classed as gorgeous but she was sexy, she had her look and style perfectly done, she looked incredible, proper Indie princess. She came and sat next to me, if she sat near me intentionally I don't know but she did and I spoke to her. She was smiling and liked the attention but didn't say much. We ended up having a drink, a dance and some kisses. Then her ex-boyfriend enters, pushes me aside and takes her off for a chat. Turns out it's someone I know, I slept with his girlfriend a few years back after splitting with Rebound, remember that bit? At the end of the night, my friend and I bump into her and her friend, we try to get them back for a party but they refuse. I get her number and we start texting. I invite her to do something but she declines, turned out she was seeing someone, some airhead prick and that they made plans. The night comes round and she calls me, she gets stood up and she asks if my offer is still on the table. I make her feel silly but I meet her and we stay up until 3am, talking, we don't even kiss. Over the next few weeks we meet more and more, we go for walks, we go to the cinema, we go to the beach, we have a great summer. After a month, we spend our first night together and I couldn't be happier. I go away for a week to a festival with friends. One last party week before I get together properly with the one. I got with many girls and slept with one (in a tent, just for old times sake) which wasn't the best thing to do but I was at a festival, she was gorgeous and I was wasted having the time of my life! When I returned, I and The 'One' became official. I was a happy man but she had something nagging her, she asked if I slept with anyone at the festival. Now, a bit of advice. This girl had no way of knowing who my girlfriend was, if I had kept my mouth shut, I would've had a little guilt but nothing I couldn't handle, The 'One' would've been none the wiser and even though technically, I hadn't done anything wrong, I wouldn't have hurt her. I did the honest thing and told her - big mistake. All the way through our two year relationship, she never fully trusted me and it could've been easily prevented so many times, bad times to be an honest person.

Never the less, we had a great time, the first year was how a relationship should be, we went on holiday, we had little adventures, we'd go out, have a good time and we were incredible together, nothing could break us up, we were perfect. Unfortunately, nothing lasts forever and we had our downfall. She was traditional, she wanted to be a wife, she wanted to get married in a church, live in a cottage in this rural county and have seven children. These things are the last things I wanted, I'm scared of divorce, I hate rural England and children are ok, just don't want my own. This wasn't too much of an issue then but I can see now that we ultimately want different things.

Back in these days, Facebook was primitive; MySpace was the social network site. I had someone on my friends list who I had a lot in common with. She was a petite blond girl who was going out with this guy I knew, always hated him. We got on well, we'd text and message about our interests, I never told my girlfriend as 1, I didn't think it would do us any good and 2, It's none of her business what we spoke about, my girlfriend had guy friends, I was surprisingly calm about it. One day however, this girl text me naked pictures of herself. I was shocked! She had a boyfriend, I had my lovely wonderful girlfriend, why was this happening? I didn't respond but The 'One' found these pictures and screamed the place down, so she bloody should. I wasn't cheating but I had done something to get this girl interested in me enough to send me very explicit photos (if you're wondering, this girl is a total sweetheart, I still speak to her regularly and I'd love to have her in my life) which wasn't helpful to The 'One' trusting me.

At this time, I also had a bromance. The 'One' hated this. He's quite the unsocial character, very stubborn, basically, a miserable twat who lacked basic social skills, he couldn't do anything for himself. I dragged him through his social life, my girlfriend would question why I would hang out with this man and I would defend him to the high heaven. I wish I didn't but that's how I felt, he was my friend and I wanted him to be happy.

After a year or so of us being together, we move in together. She hated it, she lived in my neck of the woods, far from her friends, her job and her family. I didn't make matters easier that by this time we were barely doing anything together which she constantly nagged me about. She was right though, I wasn't bothered, it was a classic case of taking someone for granted, I just wanted to see my friends. Soon enough me and my friend fall out big time, him being the stubborn bastard won't budge and I make all the effort to mend our rift. The 'One' must've decided by then that enough was enough.

Soon afterwards she comes home from work, gives me a letter saying she's fallen out of love with me and that she's moving out. I take it like a man, stand there, no begging, no crying and I let her walk out. I miss her but I deal with it, I cope. I get on with my days. I text her a couple of weeks later asking to meet, she declines; I get drunk one evening, I ring her to ask to meet, she declines. What is going on? I thought she would've missed me? About a month after we broke up, she texts me saying she's started seeing someone else. This crushes me. Just because I acted like I was OK, it didn't mean I wasn't. I was totally devastated by this news, she was my girl, she was The 'One.' Someone asked us if we ended up together, would you be happy with that being your life and we both agreed we would be happy, hence why she's The 'One' clever eh?

Turns out she started speaking to that meathead nutjob that had stood her up the night we had our first date. She said such horrible things about him, people he'd beaten up, his thought process, his family life and the way he treated people. Why would she rather be with him than me? I'm lovely and he's a prick. I rang her up asking this, she made me feel an inch tall "He buys me flowers all the time, takes me out for dinner, he works with my Dad, blah blah blah." Basically how everyone is when they start a relationship. I couldn't get my head around it, why him? Why? I sent her flowers to say sorry and she rung me up screaming saying she's had to stop him hunting me down and beating the shit out of me. Disgusting eh? Fair enough, I probably shouldn't have sent them but it doesn't mean he has to be a prick. She changes her phone number, blocks me on Facebook and asks me never to contact her again; she's found someone else and doesn't want anything to do with me. This makes me feel worthless and totally unloved. I feel like I was the stopgap between their happiness. I question my masculinity, I'm convinced that I couldn't ever make another woman happy because I wasn't some meathead, rugby player, marine, felt like being a regular guy didn't cut it and that all girls want the opposite of me. Sure I have comedy value, I'm fun, I read, I'm intelligent (I'm no Stephen Fry but I can hold my own) and I feel I'm a much more worthwhile human being than this idiot but still, the woman I love doesn't want this, she wants some meathead bully and there's nothing I can do about it, I had to get over it. It was hard, so hard. I couldn't concentrate at work, I'd break down. My employers were very worried; I was close to losing my job. I decided I had to man up and think positive.

A few months pass and I start to feel happier. I make new friends, I meet new girls (one who knows this man and she says he's a total arsehole, I'm sure everyone hates him), I go out clubbing more, I change my style, I go on holiday with a friend and I move out. I move into the party house with friends and I'm loving my life but then out of the blue, The 'One' turns up. She wants to apologize for the way she treated me when we broke up. I told her how small and pathetic she made me feel. She apologizes again but I dismiss it and tell her to leave me alone.

A few days later, I'm walking home and someone beeps their horn at me, I turn round and there she is, in her car, looking like she always does. I nearly cry there and then, it hurts seeing her smile in my direction. I just turn away. I get home and confide in my friend about what happened when she messages me apologizing. I ask the stupidest thing in the world, I ask to see her. She says she'll think about it but I insist, I tell her when I'm free but that's the last I hear from her.
A few days later, I'm in bed, mid-morning with the girl I'm seeing, the door goes and guess who? It's The 'One' standing there. I couldn't believe it, she turned up, I wasn't prepared to deal with this, I wasn't actually expecting to see her. Our history, the whole damn lot comes flooding back to me and I shed a tear. The first thing she says is "Don't cry." So I shed another tear, man up, grab her and take her to the kitchen and sit her down. She says sorry for the way she treated me after the break-up, I give her the usual back, how could she do that to me, she made me feel pathetic etc and she takes it. We end up having a great conversation after managing to sneak the girl I was currently seeing out of the house without knowing my ex-girlfriend was drinking tea in the kitchen. After an hour or so she has to go to a meeting at work, I ask her to come back afterwards and she turns it down, however she does tell me to throw away the letter she gave me when we broke up, she says "It's not relevant anymore." So after she goes, I burn it, have a spliff and dwell on my morning. The afternoon arrives and she comes back. We relax properly in my bedroom, we discuss our families and friends, general post relationship life and our history. We end up kissing a lot and declaring we miss each other. She leaves and I feel like it's back on, she still had feelings for me and I could win her back, I had to play it right though, this was going to be quite a challenge and it took a lot of energy and life out of me.

We'd meet up in private, we'd kiss, we'd discuss old times, we'd flirt, we'd say we miss each other, I'd discuss who I was sleeping with to make her jealous and she would moan about him constantly but NEVER suggests she's was going to dump him. Basically, she would lead me on. I used to send her letters, saying how wonderful our secret moments were together, she'd text me saying how special I made her feel, texts about running away, sharing a bed, being together but not once does she suggest breaking up with him.

About a year after this madness began, I'm out with a girl I was seeing at the time (I'm still so sorry about this) and guess who I see? Yep, The 'One' and the arsehole. Apparently I start talking to him pretending not to know who his girlfriend is, acting like an idiot. He twigs who I am and I have to leg it. I bump into a friend and tell her about the last year, how we've been meeting up in secret etc. My friend is shocked but I'm just relieved that I let it all out to someone other than my housemate who I only told for strategic sneaking in the house purposes. My sister finds me in this drunken mess and my friend tells my sister everything. My sister wants to go at The 'One' but she's off trying to calm knobhead down and nowhere to be seen. My friend and sister find the girl I was seeing and we walk home. In this walk I have a massive argument with this girl, we both cry, I snatch her phone away (can't remember why) and make her feel worthless. I wake up the next day alone, tear soaked pillow and an angry message from The 'One'.

"I was up until 4am trying to calm him down. Don't talk to me ever again."

I had to accept that we were never getting back together. The pain of the breakup returned, she had lead me on, for a year, a whole year. I was OK when she was nowhere near my life but as soon as the lines of communication were open, there was drama because I wanted her, at least for another night, if not, then forever. She was the best person I ever had a relationship with and it had come to this mess.

I bumped into her a couple of months later where I apologized for my actions that night. She told me that I ruined any chance of us being happy and that I'd made life very difficult for her, funny really, she'd made life very difficult for me and she didn't seem that bothered. We parted and that was the last time we spoke face to face. A while later, I asked her to block me on Facebook so I could never contact her again and she did. The last time I heard from her was September 2011, she was switching jobs so she asked never to pop by her old workplace, never send anything there or go near it, I replied back to her agreeing but that was the last time we spoke.

I recently started a new Facebook account because I was fed up of the old one, I got curious and I looked at her profile, didn't feel as bad as I thought it would but still, she seems happy if you go by her profile picture, she's still with him but that's all I know. I want to block her again but I kind of hope she will find me and reminisce about old times when she finds me. I'm a much stronger person now, a lot has changed since the summer of 2009, I have direction and a goal and I'm heading swiftly towards them, I want her to feel at least a tiny bit of regret but not to contact me, I don't ever want to fall back into that cycle ever again. I'm over her, I want different things to her, I wouldn't want to end up with her, I don't want seven kids for a start and she's probably a much different person these days. Shame really, she was wonderful, I thought she was at least. I want her to end up having a miserable time with him and me to have the last laugh, one day, I surely will and I want her to see it, for real.

So there you have it. The four girlfriends I've had. An exhausting read for you but an emotional night of blogging for me, I'm not too keen to go through that again. I still have no idea if I want a relationship or not, if any of these women were the love of my life or if any of them were suitable in the long run. What I do know is that they were all life experiences and in many ways, I benefitted going through them but if I had the option to go through it again, the good times and the bad times, I'd have to decline. Maybe happily ever after isn't for me.